Meghan Markle’s New ‘As Ever’ Brand Promises Jam So Exclusive

MONTECITO, CA – In what experts are calling the most groundbreaking event in the history of fruit preservation, Meghan Markle has unveiled the first product from her new lifestyle brand As Ever: an artisanal raspberry jam so exclusive that even members of the royal family are allegedly being turned away at the proverbial velvet rope.

Sources close to the Duchess of Sussex say the jam is crafted from hand-selected, ethically sourced raspberries that have been sung to sleep each night by a small choir of sustainably paid hummingbirds. According to the official As Ever press release, the jam is “not just a spread—it’s a statement,” offering consumers the rare opportunity to taste what it’s like to be both enlightened and insufferably wealthy.

A Confection for the Chosen Few

Unlike your average, pedestrian jam that can be found at commoner haunts like supermarkets or, heaven forbid, farmer’s markets, Markle’s jam will only be available to those who pass the rigorous As Ever exclusivity vetting process. Interested buyers must submit a 500-word essay on “What Meghan Means to Me” and provide at least three references from high-profile celebrities or former royals who have successfully detached themselves from their oppressive families.

“Meghan has always been about authenticity and accessibility,” a spokesperson for As Ever explained, while adjusting their sustainably sourced silk scarf. “That’s why this jam will be priced at a humble $875 per jar—because true luxury is about knowing others simply can’t afford it.”

Royal Reactions: The Great Jam Snub

Predictably, the launch of As Ever jam has sent shockwaves through Buckingham Palace, where insiders claim Queen Camilla was left “deeply distressed” after being informed she would not be receiving a complimentary jar.

“We assumed Meghan would send a basket as a goodwill gesture,” one royal aide reportedly whispered, shaking their head as if reliving a particularly traumatic episode of The Crown. “But instead, we received a polite but firm email stating, ‘Unfortunately, As Ever jam is not available for unsolicited royal consumption at this time.’”

Meanwhile, Prince William has remained characteristically diplomatic about the ordeal, simply sighing heavily and muttering something about “yet another headache” before quickly excusing himself to a more Kate-filled room. King Charles, however, is rumored to have spent the evening locked in his greenhouse, weeping softly into a jar of homemade marmalade while composing a strongly worded letter to no one in particular.

A Delectable Business Strategy

Marketing experts say Meghan’s approach is a masterclass in scarcity-driven branding, rivaling even the exclusivity of Hermes Birkin bags or private citizenship in tax-haven nations. While some critics have pointed out that launching a luxury jam brand amid widespread economic instability might be “insensitive,” Meghan’s defenders insist that she is merely “redefining the economy by creating a new financial tier known as emotional currency.”

“As Ever is about reclaiming the simple joys of life,” a spokesperson said while adjusting a second, even finer scarf. “Meghan wants people to remember a time when food wasn’t just something you ate—it was something you experienced while standing on a private balcony overlooking the Amalfi Coast.”

The Future of As Ever

As anticipation builds for As Ever’s next product launch, insiders hint that the brand’s upcoming releases could include a line of hand-distilled, ethically conscious water (sourced from the single tear of a baby deer) and a limited-edition candle that smells like “freedom, but make it expensive.”

When asked if Prince Harry was involved in the jam-making process, sources close to the couple claim he was last seen enthusiastically stirring a pot of berries before being gently reminded that he actually doesn’t have to work for a living.

As for the jam’s availability? Well, if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.

At press time, Meghan was reportedly considering a legal battle over unauthorized use of the phrase ‘royal jelly’ by bees.

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