Gene Simmons Announces New Tour: ‘The “Please Buy Tickets So I Can Afford More Gold Chains” World Tour

LOS ANGELES — In a press conference dripping with excess, legendary KISS frontman Gene Simmons unveiled his latest musical endeavor: The “Please Buy Tickets So I Can Afford More Gold Chains” World Tour. Speaking to reporters from a diamond-encrusted podium atop a stage shaped like his own face, Simmons assured fans that this tour would be the biggest, loudest, and most financially motivated spectacle yet.

“Some people tour for the love of the music,” Simmons told reporters, adjusting his solid-gold aviators. “I tour for the love of fiscal security. I’ve got a legacy to protect, and by legacy, I mean my extensive collection of gold chains that grows by the hour. If that means playing ‘Detroit Rock City’ 700 more times, so be it.”

An Unparalleled Experience, If You Can Afford It

Simmons, always the innovator, has outdone himself with the tour’s pricing structure, ensuring that no dollar goes uncollected. Fans can choose from a variety of ticket tiers, ranging from the modestly overpriced to the financially irresponsible:

• The ‘Basic Believer’ Package ($199) – Includes a seat in the venue and a commemorative sigh of disinterest from Gene himself.
• The ‘Diamond Demon’ VIP Package ($10,000) – A front-row seat, a backstage handshake from Gene’s third-favorite assistant, and a one-time-use coupon for 5% off a KISS-branded coffin.
• The ‘Platinum Pucker’ Package ($100,000) – Gene Simmons personally names one of his gold chains after you, plus a complimentary bottle of water at the concession stand (taxes and fees not included).

“We’re giving the fans what they want,” Simmons explained. “Which, as it turns out, is less of an experience and more of a financial burden.”

Merchandising: The True Art Form

In addition to the tour, Simmons is launching an entire new line of KISS-branded products designed to extract every last penny from his devoted followers. Among the latest offerings:

• KISS Financial Planning Kits – A foolproof guide to managing your finances, assuming you’re okay with the answer always being “Send more money to Gene Simmons.”
• Gene Simmons Signature Chain Collection – Each piece lovingly handcrafted by a guy Gene met in Vegas last week.
• Limited-Edition Gene Simmons NFTs – Why buy a concert ticket when you could own a digital rendering of Gene’s tongue for the low, low price of $5,000?

“KISS has never just been about the music,” Simmons said, winking so hard one of his sunglasses lenses shattered. “It’s about building a brand so overwhelming, so all-consuming, that you physically cannot escape it. That’s why I’m also proud to announce our new KISS-branded oxygen tanks, because why should you breathe unbranded air?”

An Unstoppable Business Machine

At 74 years old, Simmons shows no signs of slowing down his relentless pursuit of monetization. Industry insiders report that he’s already in negotiations with SpaceX for the first-ever concert in orbit, pending a lucrative sponsorship deal with a leading intergalactic real estate firm.

“We’re entering an exciting new era,” Simmons mused. “People have always asked me, ‘Gene, what drives you?’ And I tell them the truth: money. Sweet, untraceable money.”

When asked if there was any amount of wealth that would finally make him stop touring, Simmons laughed. “Impossible,” he said. “I’ll be selling KISS-branded urns from beyond the grave.”

Tickets for The “Please Buy Tickets So I Can Afford More Gold Chains” World Tour go on sale this Friday. Or, for a more convenient option, fans can simply wire their life savings directly to Simmons’ offshore account and receive a handwritten “thank you” note from one of his unpaid interns.

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